If You Were Him Would You Marry You

Lately, I’ve been attributing much prayer to God about the affairs of my heart. I’ve realized that as individuals we can be so spiritually inclined yet emotionally and consciously incapacitated, that the prayers often prayed and the desire to do good are often exacerbated by the hidden agendas of our selfish predilection.

There’s a scripture that often causes me to introspect. I am forced to look within what glows on the outside but has the potential to be nothing but a clump of broken pieces of gold on the inside, which still manages to release light due to their inherent nature. St. Matthew 15:19-20 states: For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man.’ - KJV.

My attention was drawn to the prayers we pray. We religiously pray about our spirits, for the ‘anointing’, for the ’glory’, and to become more spiritual. We also pray to be successful, for wealth, health, beautiful families, lucrative careers, and not forgetting, the man/woman of our dreams - also known as ‘the one’.

Note, the list above did not permit the inclusion of matters pertaining to the heart. But, why? A popular adage says ‘the mind is a battlefield’; but I strongly agree that 95% of these battles are instigated by the provocations of the heart. Resultantly, I’ve dedicated this blog to you - my special ladies. The seemingly strong women, the beautiful women, the ones waiting on their ‘Boaz’, the scripturally accredited ‘virtuous women’, this one’s for you. Before further adieu, the question at hand is: If You Were Him Would You Marry You?

One of my concerns for a very long time has been the demands and criteria submitted (by both Christian and secular women) to men. Some of which I agree with, others...have blatantly left me baffled. In my deliberation and the quest to thoroughly understand the factors at play regarding the proposed criteria, I asked myself the question: are these whole women or broken women; are they at peace with themselves or are they at war with themselves?

For a minute, my mind went back to my criteria for ‘the one’ when I was broken. I then compared it to the criteria which was reconstructed due to me becoming whole. You’re probably wondering, what was the difference between the two. The difference was this: I was hurt and broken to the point (not only by a previous relationship but life in general) where I was requiring ‘the one’ - the man whom I would call ‘husband’ to be so perfect, that my imperfections, brokenness, and insecurity would be perfectly concealed. I wanted him to go through the healing process for me so I could automatically become whole - by extension, as we would have become one.

So here is another question: what have you been needing to do for yourself but have charged ‘the one’ with the responsibility(ies)?

As you think about your response to this question, I urge you to be very honest with yourself. I mean...who else would you be lying to?

In addition, I have carefully crafted out some personal checks for you to perform. This should by no means replace your existing personal checks, but should be added as complementary exercises.


Truth is, everyone has a basic idea of their likes and dislikes, but not everyone has collided with the truth of who they are. Not everyone has discovered their purpose. Perhaps, if you are asked the question, who are you, would you be able to easily answer without the initiation of a 30 second moment of silence, followed by frequent stuttering, and the possibility of leaving the interviewer confused?

Now think about the fact that you are not the only person who has been hurt; you are not the only person who has endured a failed relationship; you are not the only one who is still trying to find themself and simultaneously discover their purpose. If that is the truth, your ‘the one’ may be somewhere amongst the statistics of the aforementioned.

Recommendation: Be more considerate. Understand that everyone’s path is not the same, and the length of everyone’s journey differs. Be willing to help someone even while you’re still trying to find your way. The truth that we are imperfect beings suggest that life will require us to continuously work on ourselves. Sometimes beauty in personal growth and discovery is often successfully accomplished together, than apart.

Attitude Check

Humanly, it is ridiculously easier to see the ‘beam in someone’s eye’ but be blinded to the plank in ours. I’m quite confident that your attitudes are often a nuisance to others just as you find those of others to be to you.

Additionally, there are some persons who are unaware of their attitudes (because they were inherited, and some because the frequent practice has established them as behaviours), and others whose attitudes are a result of their experiences, coupled with them ignorantly trying to create a defense and heal concurrently.

You know yourself….can you foresee ‘the one’ being a replica of you?

Recommendation: Accept the truth that we all have attitudes (some are just more obvious than others). There are attitudes about you that may be deemed cringe worthy to another. Take time to ask others about your attitudes….I’m referring to those people who will provide unbiased opinions and tell you the truth in love. It’s possible to help him, while helping him help you.

The Resource Table

The marriage resource table is the place where both parties will present their resources to each other. Resources may include but are not limited to finances, accomplished goals, education, skills, talents, assets, a prayer life, stable employment, personal action plans, as well as liabilities - loans, bad credit, poor financial management, procrastination, laziness, etc.

I know, I know, you ramble every day, he needs to have this, he needs to have that. The world already knows what you want. But I have a few questions for you:

  • What have you achieved?

  • What are you in pursuit of?

  • Is your requirements list a reflection of your accomplishments?

  • Are the resources you’ll be bringing to the table assets, liabilities, or a combination of both?

  • Do you have more goals than accomplishments? If yes, how long have these goals been goals? When do you plan on actually accomplishing them?

  • Do you have a prayer life? Is it consistent?

  • Are you employed? If yes, how long have you been employed? If he were to be laid off or get fired from his job, would your income be able to maintain the household until he gets back on his feet? Can you be woman enough to stay in your position and maintain your posture as a wife, without belittling him?

Recommendation: Never demand from another what you cannot produce. Always remember that it is possible to grow together, work together, and build together. It may just be that ‘the one’ you have created in your mind has a requirements list that you are not even worthy of knowing about.

Please note that I in no way suggest that you lower your standards or demean your worth for the sake of a relationship or marriage. I pray and do hope that this blog has warranted a revisit to the requirements list you have previously published. Seek to discover your truth: are you whole or broken? If broken, seek to become whole. If whole, seek to maintain your wholeness.



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© 2020 by Esther J. Thomas